I think the dialog could use some touching-up.
As an amateur writer (hoping to start my first ponyfic soon), I appreciate the value of constructive criticism, and I just like to pass on the sentiment. I apologize for any perceived harshness you may have gotten from my earlier comment. Good job with your writing this time around, and I can't wait for more. Well, I believe that I am losing coherence again, so I'll starting wrapping up.
Yup, I backed down from my threat to stop reading because you managed to pique my interest. It's clearly starting to run parallel to what we all know from TES: Oblivion, and I'm really looking forward to seeing how you continue with this story. Going back to that 'refreshing step', I'm glad to see that the plotline is finally starting to come out of hiding. And speaking of puns, Corral made my parts happy, and of course Braevil. A few grammatical errors here and there, but we're all pony, sorry for the bad pun. Not much wrong with this chapter, I'm pleased to say. It's always good to know that a writer takes his readers thoughts seriously. I'm glad that my previous comment was taken into consideration. So either you get this one, or a semi-coherent post AND this one.Ĭhapter 4 was a refreshing step in the right direction. Either that, or it's taking the longest time to show up. Anyway, good so far, can't wait for more! Reply Deleteīoo, I had to re-login and I lost my post. A necromancer on the team? Those guys are always evil! Somepony's gonna end up in a black soul gem or turned into a worm thrall before we hit chapter 7, mark my words. Just jarred me out of the story for a second is all.Īnd really now. Not that I disapprove my words were along similar lines the first time an undead abomination came lumbering at me out of nowhere in an Aylied ruin, the language itself just seems a little out of place given the setting, although the lack of forceful expletives in either the poni or TES universes does present its own problem. Oh, and I did have to raise my eyebrow at the swearing. I can't really see how I won't love whatever you do with this, but it feels like as soon as I really start to get that lovely feeling where the words on the page utterly override all other aspects of reality then I'm "ejected" out by the end of the chapter. One thing I would say: try to make your chapters longer. Sorry, don't mean to draw comparisons right out of the stable, but I'm just sayin'. I freaking love TES, along with a certain other bethesda property that may have been given a little of this brand of attention. It is also par for the course for this setting.If you're definitely serious about undertaking a behemoth like this then I'm in for the long haul.
So because the caribou needed an “excuse” to leave their homelands, where they ruled unopposed and thought they were the center of the universe, NCN blew it up, and made (as you put it) a bunch of refugees who should have been on short supply and understaffed take over what could be seen as the most prosperous nation in the world in the time frame of a single year, because they are “super sneaky” and took over and converted bunch of kingdom under the radar, one of which being the Crystal Empire of all places. At the very least Equestria would have prepared themselves for their arrival, and would have never let a large scale invasion force set foot on Equine soil. If they had known about the ponies, or vice versa, then they would have either taken over Equestria long ago (As they were always depicted as being “The most powerful things on the planet”), or more likely Celestia would have figured out a way to stop them before they took over the world. To answer the question though, I believe that the person who created this setting thought it was “unbelievable” for the caribou to simply be a normal invading force, as they were so powerful and evil that they had to be of on their own isolated continent to exist in the way the creator wanted.
Congratulations, that is the fanfic story equivalent of finding a needle in a factory that specifically makes needles. Look at that, somebody found something in FoE that doesn’t really make sense when you stop and think of it.
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